Leaded or unleaded?

I use to joke with my friend Dan (before he got cancer) that he should sneak up on me and put a ballpine hammer in my head...without my knowing it...sneak attack...game over...for me.

Swift...efficient...easy.

Well. sigh...Dan never got his chance because he was killed quickly by cancer. Swift...efficient...not easy.

He was a sweet man.

We use to joke such because lif eis not easy. In fact, at times it is hell and a damned bother.

I do not agree with suicide, but I understand it.

Okay...today's post...

Leaded or Unleaded.

I am leaded. (thus the ballpine reference).

There are illicit drugs and precribed drugs. They are not often so different but it does not matter.

We have been playing (under doctor's supervision) with my brain soup.

It is not so very good.

I am leaded.

And if you know anyone who goes through this they will tell you the same. Trade-off.

I got to sleep through the night last night.

But I am heavy-lidded and look like an idiot today.

Trade-off.

I mean, if my girlfriend met me for the first time today she would run yelling and screaming. I would be manacled immediately and viewed like a foreign object in a wrestling ring or Robert DeNiro after a prize fight or, worse, after being peiced together as a monster.

But I digress.

Normally I am a really cute guy. Really.

(That and I do dishes.)

So I feel HEAVY today because we are trying new medications to deal with my obviously demented brain (as much as you find it entertaining...read Otto Rank).

It is not as bad as it was last week. That was like "Oswald and Ghosts".

No...this is like having someone sneak up and slam a ballpine hammer into your skull...only you live.

You are slowed (I mean, c'mon...ballpine hammer in your skull? that's gotta cut down on some motor skills right?)

And it is embarassing because wherever you go people point "Hey look at the ballpine hammer in that guy's head!"

It's hard to hide it.

You try and find a good cap...a baseball hat...always a wooden handle sticking out and some slight crainial ooze.

So the alternative is to try new drugs.

They feel weird.

You feel leaded...heavily so. IT also feels like someone is grabbing the back of your cerebral cortex and doing hand exercises. Your eyelids do 30 pound reps but do not feel "buff".

You wonder about the perfect crime. The one where Dan, knowing he is doomed, is utterly free. He creeps up with the Ballpine hammer and he laughs just as you do.

All is peace.