PERCEPTIONS Part Two

Oil on board. J. Rod Swenson.

______________________

For reasons I cannot exactly fathom, Kierkegaard often wrote in such a manner as to purposely be obtuse and difficult. He had his reasons for this but it kinda pisses me off because he really covers a huge amount of ground if you can get through his thick prose.

All that being said, Kierkegaard occasionally tooks his perceptions of life and reality and stated them plainly like this little diddy:

"Life can only be understood looking backward, but must be lived forward."

I received an email from a person I casually mentioned (anonymously of course) in Part One of this article. This person is very bright and passionate and she says she writes to help me "see" things, which is what this little series is about.

There are many ways to view her letter but here are the salient points (without details).

She wishes to help me see what she perceives as my current situation (which she sees as harmful)

She wishes me to see myself in a different light.

She also continues to email me while telling me any email responses are blocked (which means it is not a conversation at all, but really just her continuing to send me emails about her perceptions of me).

Now except for the last point, (which I will deal with in short order) I have some choices in how I read and perceive her email.

A counselor of mine once cautioned (and its a very good check) against going to "motive". It is a hard thing for us to do, but I agree with him. Or, if we do go to motive (trying to guess it) then best to give the benefit of the doubt.

So in this case, I could put on my "sunglasses" and cooly dismiss all of her words as simple anger or an attempt to manipulate me.

I choose not to. In fact, I choose to perceive her words at as much face value as possible. Genuine concern, her own view for my benefit...trying to help.

(By the way Lads, this is the danger of hanging out with really smart women).

But we part company on how we perceive (as much as I consider what she says) the situation.

She sees my relationship as a detriment to my well-being.

Is it?

No.

In fact, if she had all the facts (she claims to know everything about me after spending one whole night and a day at the beach) she would see that the only thing threatening me, is, er ME.

She sees it as a closed door and I see at as an open one.

Perceptions.

_______________________

In fact, the woman who I live with is the kindest, most respectful and mature woman I have ever met (and I have met some fine women in my time).

It would be hard for this other woman to understand because, like me, she only got one quick snapshot of her.

She has no idea. She has a quick poloroid in a dicey moment. I have home movies for almost a year.

Perceptions.

She is a woman who I have unfairly tested for my own reasons on all of my really deeper issues. Loyalty, honesty, forgiveness, compassion and passion.

Through all of these subconscious tests (and I believe most of them were) she has been magnificent. (Okay, it also does not hurt that she is beautiful).

I like to say with her that "what I see is what I get", which as you can see is germane to this issue of perception.

This one always tells me the totality of her mind without inneuendo or accusation. She has done a lot of work and freely admits that had we met earlier she would have been quite toxic.

So we live in a free, democratic and unrepressed house. It is full of respect, care and honesty. There is also kindness.

If anyone is toxic, it is me.

So, I am a blessed man.
______________________

Now I am also a curious man by nature. So I wonder about someone who cuts off communication, but keeps writing you emails that you cannot respond to.

WTF?

It is risky to go to motive. So I won't.

But I will say this in general, and that is "over-communication is under-rated", which is to say the more openly and graciously we talk the better on all fronts.

I have other "Ex-flames" that I can do this with because their hearts are that large. One wrote me today to inquire after my health. It was a sweet aqnd sincere gesture.

Even my Ex-wife and I have negotiated a caring and very respectful relationship (and if ya haven't figured it out...yes..there seem to be a lot of Ex's...I am not an easy man apparently. I see the truth in that. I think I am worth it, some of them didn't. It's okay.) I take her phone calls and care about her, and vice-versa. She and my girlfreind get along well and respect each other.

There is peace and mutual support.

____________________

None of us lives "without frames or glasses". We all have an interpretive grid which we overlay over raw experience. Like Heisenberg's Theory, none of us is truly outside the system looking in. By our own participation we change the result of what we observe. We are in the petri dish we are examining and we add to it as we watch.

This is not necessarily a bad thing. It's outside morality per se. In some spiritual traditions it is at the very core of that spirituality. In an age of Rationalism, Reason and Economics we can hear the faint echo of St, Paul saying that what really lasts is Faith, Hope and Love.

Different lenses.

____________________

I woke up the other evening at around 3 a.m. I did not feel at all well. In fact, I felt as if I was dying. Given my age, considerable size, and physical "issues" (a virtual mall it would seem) I did what , well, I did what I did. I prayed.

I am not a religious man. Far from it. In fact, I think religion is the enemy of Faith, Hope and Love. It divides where real Faith, Hope and Love unite and make connection.

But I think God pretty much hates Religion as well...not the people mind you...just the Ideology that divides and brings such suffering.

So I felt my heart racing and I thought I might die.

I thought it ironic. I have been through so much in life. The death of my brother on the day I was born, two failed marriages to very fine women, being ordaiend a priest of sorts, becoming a renegade poet and artist. I am a Saint, but one by Grace not via my performance. I am one of the most loving men I have ever known. I am also one of the most fallible.

Ironic because I finally have all I need and wanted. But I might be dying.

Well, we will see. Probably not going to die today. So I write.

In the breech here is a lesson in perception. The Universe is relational. Deeply so. You may not possess the power to perceive it as such but there are so many who have and do. I meet them all the time.

I choose (as one current cultural lens) to call them "Jedi".

They perceive the various "spheres" of existence...the levels that co-exist and ebb and flow around us contsantly exchanging energy..perhaps even love.

To be sure, it is usually poets, artists, madmen (and madwomen), mystics and small children that see these things most clearly. They cannot help but see. It's difficult for many of them (except the kids).

My daughter is a Jedi (like her father before her). Her mother and I openly talk about this and how to support her given her special gifts.

The young men are strong, fine and extremely intelligent. But they will be spared the burden and joy of this perception...for the most part.

At least that is how I see it. I could always be wrong.

I often am.
__________________

Anyway the thought of death, real death...not theorhetical...but real and personal has a different interpretation depending on our perception.

The only touchstone is that it will happen.

You will die. So will I.

So when you feel it in whatever foxhole you end up in, you have a few choices. I choose to talk with God because I think God hates Religion and loves people. I cannot tell you how I came to this conclusion and perception. Perhaps it is Grace, perhaps Madness and Illusion.

Time will tell.

But I woke up in a foxhole and I am not sure I have crawled out yet.

Funny that.

____________________________


So I woke up and swam within the Trinity.

Serious.

I did the backstroke in utter safety and love.

The Universe is relational and at the Center of that Relationship God has a Triune Relationship with God's Own Self.

Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

It is a doctrine debated for 1800 years. No one gets it really. We do not have a way to frame it. But it is what it is. It is a Mystery.

The Father Loves the Son and the Spirit. The Spirit Loves the Son and Father. The Son Loves the Father and Spirit.

My girlfriend counts this as six relationships, not three. I disagree, but she might be right. I'm just a "guy".

I personally think we lack the language to frame it, but maybe we have the glasses to see?

_____________________________

Part Three Manana